Resources for Faith Community Leaders

CHS is not a faith-based organization, however we have talked to a lot of church leaders and volunteers who are looking for resources to support survivors in their congregation. We want to provide resources, when appropriate.

Faith Trust Institute

FaithTrust Institute is a national, multifaith, multicultural training and education organization with global reach working to end sexual and domestic violence. FTI provides faith communities and advocates with the tools and knowledge they need to address the faith and cultural issues related to abuse.

Our advocates are always available on our hotline 503-399-7722.

LGBTQ+

Same-sex and queer relationships are not immune from domestic and sexual violence. A transgender individual may find themselves dating or married to an abusive partner.  The Center for Hope & Safety provides support for any survivor of domestic or sexual violence. You do not have to identify as a woman to receive advocacy or be considered for our safe-house. We help transgender individuals and men as well. 

We understand that LGBTQ survivors have additional barriers caused by homophobia and heterosexism in our society.  Sometimes fear of those barriers may lead a survivor who is transgender or in a same-sex relationship to not seek help or try to leave the relationship. Many myths reflect these barriers that’s why we believe it’s important to keep these truths in mind!

MYTH: Abuse is not an issue for members of the LGBTQ community.

FACT: Abuse occurs in about 30% of same-sex relationships - the same rate as it does in straight relationships. Not only is it just as prevalent but just as dangerous as well. 

MYTH: Women can’t be abusive.

FACT: 47% of lesbian women have experienced rape, physical violence or stalking within an intimate relationship.

MYTH: If there is physical violence in a same-sex relationship the issue is mutual abuse or fighting.

FACT: Abusers use violence to get what they want and it is always part of a pattern of controlling behavior.

MYTH: It’s easier for a survivor in a same-sex/queer relationship to leave an abuser.

FACT: It’s difficult for any survivor to leave an abusive relationship. Survivors in same-sex relationships/queer relationships face many of the same barriers that straight survivors do. They may also face additional barriers such as being outed by their abuser.

Learn more here: DV Packet for All Genders.

If you need immediate help you can call our hotline a 503-399-7722 to speak with the available advocate.

Advocacy for Teens and Children

Are you a teen dating someone who scares you?  Do you feel like you can’t break up with your boyfriend because he may hurt you or himself? Are you a mom who is worried about how your partner’s abuse of you has affected your children? At the Center for Hope & Safety we offer support to not only adult survivors but to teens and younger children as well.

If you need immediate help you can call our hotline a 503-399-7722 to speak with the available advocate.

Violence Against Young Women

Harassment

Frequently showing up where you are (especially uninvited), following you, making prank phone calls, threatening you on the phone, spreading rumors about you, giving messages to you through your friends and/or family after you have made it clear you do not want to have contact with him.

Intimidation

Putting you in fear by: subjecting you to reckless driving, kicking, smashing or throwing your personal items or other property, shouting, using looks/gestures, threatening to get you in trouble with your friends/family.

Violation of Personal Boundaries

Reading your mail, going through your purse or locker without permission, taking your personal items without asking, forcing unwanted touch or sex, refusing to stop wrestling after you ask him to stop.

Threats

Threatening to harm you and/or your family, friends, threatening to commit suicide, threatening to share private information, and/or threatening to break up with you if you do not do what he wants.

Using Male Privilege

He may act like he is the boss and what he says, goes, he reminds you that you are a girl and that’s why you are supposed to do what he says, he may feel he has the right to be consulted about all your actions- where you go and with whom, in some situations he believes you should be asking his permission to go or do something.

Limiting independence

Telling you what kind of clothes you can and cannot wear, telling you how you have to wear your hair, he may decide how you should spend your money, where you go on dates and when you go out, he may not allow you to use your choice of birth control, he may pressure you into using drugs, alcohol or cigarettes.

Degradation and Humiliation

Calling you names in front of others or privately, putting down your religion, race, or socioeconomic class, he may show public interest in other girls after agreeing to see only you, touching/grabbing parts of your body inappropriately in public or private, putting down or making fun of your family home, family situation or family members, showing personal/private items.

Isolation

Pressuring you to choose between him and family/friends, pressuring you to quit a job or extra-circular activities, pressuring you not to go to college or to go the college of HIS choice.

Originally in the format of Teen Power & Control Wheel provided by the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc. (319) 326-9191

Youth Issues

You have the right to be safe in your relationship…

Does your boyfriend?

• Make all the decisions?
• Pressure you to have sex?
• Keep you from seeing your friends and family?
• Act jealous or possessive?
• Not take your opinion seriously?
• Put you down, call you names, or humiliate you?
• Slap, push, or hit you?

If you answered yes to any of these, your boyfriend may be an abuser. You are not alone - help is available. Domestic violence is never the victim’s fault.

What you can do….

Our hotline is available 24 hours a day for you to create a verbal safety plan and hear about options. You may qualify for a legal protective order.

Tell A Safe Person

If you need to talk with a safe person, tell:

• A Teacher
• A Crisis Advocate
• Your School Police Officer
• Someone in your Family
• Your School Counselor
• Someone in your Faith Community
• Another Person you Trust

Get a 9-1-1 Cell Phone

The Center for Hope and Safety can provide you with a cell phone for 9-1-1 use at no cost. A cell phone can be an important part of your safety plan.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors that one person uses to physically, sexually, emotionally and/or verbally abuse another person. Remember, domestic violence is never the fault of the victim.

• More than one in four young women are victims of domestic violence.
• Jealousy and possessiveness are not a sign of love.
• Thirty percent of young women aged 15-19 who are murdered, are killed by their boyfriend.
• Domestic violence happens because abusers believe they have a right to have power and control over their partner. It is not about anger, alcohol, or drugs.
• Domestic violence occurs in every part of our society. No group or community is immune to it.

What is sexual assault?

Sexual assault is sexual contact with anyone who cannot or does not give informed consent.

• Sexual assaults are planned by offenders.
• Over 60% of sexual assaults are committed by someone that the survivor knows.
• Over 40% of sexual assaults occur in the victim’s home.
• Every 2 minutes, somewhere in the United States, someone is sexually assaulted.
• No one asks to be sexually assaulted. People have the right to be safe from sexual violence. The offender, not the survivor, must be held responsible for this crime.

A survivor of sexual assault deserves to be believed, to have her feelings validated and to know she is not alone.

Questions and Concerns for Mom

Dear Survivor,

This Section contains information inspired by the questions and concerns of mothers who have fled domestic violence to emergency shelters. Though no mother or child is exactly the same, nor the circumstances which they have endured, many of their questions and concerns are identical.

This section addresses these questions and concerns to hopefully provide answers or guidance for yourself and your children. If there is information you are seeking that is not provided it may be helpful to contact your local domestic violence program for additional support. This is not the fault of yourself or your children. You are not alone.

Information inspired from the questions and concerns of moms who have been there.

Whose fault is it?

The only person at fault is the abuser. You may want to blame yourself and your children may want to blame you or themselves. However, no matter what you did or said, or didn’t do or didn’t say, it is not the cause for abuse. The only cause is the abusers personal choice to use abuse to maintain power and control over you and the children.

The abuser as a “Bad Guy”

There may be times when you feel the need to talk negatively about the abuser. Though this may be helpful for you, it is not helpful for your children and they may distance themselves from you. Try to refrain from these comments in front of the children. It is common for your children to still love the abuser and miss him, especially if he is their father. They have a right to feel this way, so acknowledge how they feel. When talking to them about the abuser, don’t talk about what a bad person he is, but about the bad choice(s) he made. What were those bad choices? What happened and how do you feel because of those choices? What were some good choices he could have made instead? What would have happened if he had made a good choice? How would you feel if he made a good choice? This helps your children realize that the abuser was/is in control of everything he did and said, while not making him the “Bad Guy”. It also reassures them that it’s not their fault, nor yours.

Your children know

Children are very aware of what has happened. Even if they were in another room, at school, or asleep, they know what’s going on. Children hear it, feel it, and see it. Many children will say they knew “dad wasn’t nice to mom”, and it scared them.

It’s okay to cry

Many moms feel they need to hide their tears so they “look strong and together” in front of their children. Crying is a part of healing and it will not make your children think you are weak. Sometimes letting your children know that you all are a “team” can help create that healing bond so when you need each other you’ll know that their support is a safe option. We also recommend outside support such as a domestic violence support group to help you through your healing process.

“My children hate me”

It is common for children to say they “hate you” or are “mad at you”. This does not mean they really hate you; they just hate what has happened and how they feel. Being mad at you is a lot safer than being mad at the abuser. Sometimes saying they “hate you” is the only way they can think of to convey their confusion, fear, anger, and pain. This may be a good opportunity to discuss their feelings, answer their questions, or just provide support. It’s also okay to let them know that those words are hurtful to you, but you acknowledge how they are feeling.

“Will my child be an abuser too?”

Most children will not. Just because your child witnessed domestic violence DOES NOT mean he/she will be an abuser. This is a myth. Most children want the opposite of what they have witnessed. They strive to end the cycle of abuse and help those who have gone through the same situation.

“But he/she kicks, hits, and yells”

This does not mean your child is an abuser. When kids feel safe they may act out. Now that they are safe from abuse they feel free to express the confusion, hurt, fear, and any other emotions they may feel. Sometimes they express this by kicking, hitting, or yelling but this doesn’t mean your child is an abuser because he/she isn’t targeting one person and feels more comfortable expressing emotions in this way right now. Work with them to develop new options for expressing how they feel in ways that don’t hurt others. Talk about the good choices they can make instead.

Spanking

Spanking is a temporary solution for a permanent situation. Spanking teaches your children that the bigger and stronger you are, the more power you have. Above all, they learn that it is okay to hit someone. The use of positive discipline is more appropriate and teaches your child how to behave. Reward them for good behavior (compliments, stickers, etc.) and take away privileges or add chores for bad behavior. “Time outs”, choices, communication, and your example are also beneficial.

“But he’s a good father”

No he’s not. Even if he’s “good with the kids”, he is abusing you (mom) and placing your children in fear. Also, the number one predictor of child abuse is domestic violence. Your children are also in danger from him.

What To Tell A Child

You have the right to be safe in your home…

Don’t Try To Get In The Middle Of The Abuse!
It is not safe for you to try to stop the abuse or to protect your mom. Remember, it is your job to keep yourself safe!

If You Can Get To A Phone Safely, Call 9-1-1!
Tell the police where you are and what is happening. The person on the phone will talk to you until the police arrive. Remember, you don’t need money if you use a pay phone.

Get To A Safe Place!
Practice how to get out of your home safely. Which doors, windows, or stairs would be best? Which neighbor can you go to for help?

It’s Not Your Fault!
Remember, the violence against you or against your mom is never your fault. No one has the right to hurt or threaten you.

Are you Afraid…

At home?
At school?

Tell a safe person!

If you need to talk with a safe person about any of these problems, tell:

• A Teacher
• A Crisis Advocate
• Your School Police Officer
• Someone in your Family
• Your School Counselor
• Someone at your Place of Worship
• Another Person you Trust

What is Domestic violence?

• Domestic Violence is when one person uses hitting, hurting, name-calling, or threats to make another person do what they say. It happens with people that are married, divorced, dating or living together.
• Domestic violence happens because one person believes they have a right to have power and control over their partner. It is not about anger, alcohol or drugs.
• Domestic violence occurs in every part of our society.

What is sexual assault?

• Sexual assault is any touching in any place or in any way that makes you feel uncomfortable.
• It is OK to say NO if someone tries to touch you in ways that make you feel frightened, confused or uncomfortable.
• It is not your fault if someone touches you in a way that is not OK. You don’t have to keep secrets about those touches.
• Some secrets are good secrets. An example of a good secret is a birthday gift. A bad secret would be if someone touched you and then told you not to tell anyone.
• It is never too late to ask for help. You can keep asking until you get the help you need.

Violent Phrases That Are Used In Everyday Speech

Violence is all around us. Turn on the TV and it’s in the news or the hour-long police procedural drama. Explosions and gun fights are a common staple of the latest blockbuster in the theatres or on DVD. One place you may not noticed the infiltration of violence is in what you say each and every day. Have you ever said any of the following?

When push comes to shove	Give it a shot
Adding insult to injury	Take a shot at it
Hitting on an idea	Something to shoot for
Deadbeat	Right on target
Take a stab at it	Need more ammunition
Shot in the dark	Bullet points
Push over	Take your best shot
To be brutally honest	Shot in the dark
Soften the blow	Shoot off your mouth
Beats me	Gun shy
That really bombed	Gunning for trouble
Pushed over the edge	Under the gun
Blown away	Whole shootin’ match
Killer smile	Shoot the breeze
Kick the bucket	Son of a gun
Set the world on fire	Shooting holes in the argument
Pick your battles	Armed with the facts
That really burned me	Drop dead gorgeous
Overkill	Gun the engine
Kicking around an idea	Hired gun
Get away with murder	Shooting blind
Killing time	Shooting blanks
Punch line	Shooting ducks in a barrel
If looks could kill	You slay me
That kills me	Ride shotgun
Roll with the punches	Traffic was murder
Jumped the gun	Moving target
Kick in the pants	Do a drive by
Bite the bullet	Bring out the big guns
The beaten path	Went in with guns blazin’
Hit the road	Keep your powder dry
That slays me	Hair-trigger temper
Twist your arm	Straight shot
Break a leg	Set your sights on the prize
Broken heart	Locked and loaded
Breaks my heart	Bang for your buck
Killing me softly	Loose cannon
Knocked up	Rally the troops
Hit up	Join the battle
At the end of my rope	On your radar screen
The straw that broke the camels back	Leading the charge
Shoot from the hip	Had a blast
Straight shooter	He/she’s dynamite
Shoot yourself in the foot	Going ballistic
Blow up in your face	Old habits die hard
She’s a real pistol, that one
Combating domestic violence (slogan often used with agencies working to end domestic violence - especially those associated with law enforcement)
Fight for your Rights (slogan used in MTV campaign to address violence against youth)

24-hour hotline 503-399-7722