Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence is a pattern of coercive tactics that can include physical, psychological, sexual, economic, and emotional abuse, perpetrated by one person against an intimate partner, with the goal of establishing and maintaining power and control.
Domestic Violence can occur in all kinds of intimate relationships, including married couples, people who are dating, couples who live together, people with children in common, LGBTQIA+ relationships, people who were formally in a relationship with the person abusing them, and teen dating relationships.
Domestic violence is a choice made by abusers to gain and maintain power and control. It is never the fault of the victim. Victims do whatever they can to survive and keep themselves and/or their children safe.
Warning Signs of an Abuser
Charm
Abusers can be very charming. In the beginning, they may seem to be Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armor. They may seem very engaging, thoughtful, considerate and charismatic. Abusers may use that charm to gain very personal information to use that information later to their advantage.
Abusers may also have an incredibly charming presence in their community and network.
Isolation
Abusers isolate their victims geographically and socially. Geographic isolation includes moving the victim from her friends, family and support system (often hundreds of miles); moving frequently in the same area and/or relocating to a rural area.
Social isolation usually begins when an abuser slowly isolates the victim from any person who could be a support. Abusers often dictate whom their partner can talk to; demanding no contact with her friends or family.
Jealousy
Jealousy is a tool abusers use to control the victim. The number one accusation we hear surrounding jealousy is that of infidelity. If their partner goes to the grocery store, abuser accuses her of having an affair with the grocery clerk. If she goes to the bank, he accuses her of having an affair with the bank teller. Abusers routinely call their victims whores or sluts.
Emotional Abuse
The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the victim’s self-esteem. Blaming the victim for the violence, put-downs, name calling, and threats. Over time, a victim may no longer believe she deserves to be treated with respect and may blame herself for his violence. For some survivors, emotional abuse may be more difficult to heal from than the physical abuse.
Control
In time, the abuser will control every aspect of the victim’s life: where to go, what to wear, who to talk to. Abusers often control the money and access to money. Additionally, abusers are very controlled people. While they appear to go into a rage or be out of control we know they are very much in control of their behavior.
Myths & Facts
- MYTH: Domestic violence happens only in low-income families.
FACT: Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families, of any socioeconomic status, urban, suburban and rural, in every part of the country, in every racial, religious and age group.
- MYTH: Alcohol and drugs cause domestic violence.
FACT: Alcohol and drugs do not cause domestic violence. Domestic violence is a choice. Many abusers will make sure they have alcohol or drugs on hand, in order to use them as an excuse for their actions. Abusers will also claim their actions resulted because they could not have the alcohol or drugs.
- MYTH: The victim provoked the abuse. It must be something about them.
Abuse is never the fault of the victim. Abusers make a personal choice to be violent towards their partners. We often hear victim-blaming questions like “Why does she stay?” or “Why do they allow that to happen to them?” Rather we should be asking “Why does he abuse her?” “What is happening that prevents her from leaving?” Reframing these questions shifts the accountability to the abuser. On average, it takes a victim seven times to leave. As the abuser senses that they’re losing power, they will often act in dangerous ways to regain control over their victim.
- MYTH: Domestic violence is an anger control issue.
FACT: Domestic violence has nothing to do with anger. Anger is a tool abusers use to get what they want. We know abusers are actually very much in control because they can stop when someone knocks on the door or the phone rings; they often direct punches and kicks to parts of the body where the bruises are less likely to show; and they are not abusing everyone who makes them “angry”, but waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the one they say they love.
- MYTH: Children who witness violence will grow up to be abusers.
FACT: Studies have found that 30% of male child witnesses, for example, choose to become abusers as adults. This means that 70% do not become abusers and are committed to ending the cycle of violence in their lives. The majority of children who witness domestic violence become advocates for children when they grow up; committed to raising their children without the use of violence and going into professions where they work to end violence against all children.
Youth in our society must never feel they are destined to become violent. We send a dangerous message to young men and boys in particular, when we imply they are fated to become violent and we give abusers an excuse for their behavior.
The Cycle of Violence
Domestic violence may seem unpredictable, however, domestic violence follows a typical pattern. The cycle of violence is made of six distinct stages: the set-up, abuse, guilt, rationalization, normal, and fantasy.
- Abuse
Abuse can include, but not limited to, emotional, physical, sexual, psychological, financial, reproductive, and spiritual.
- Guilt
A non-abusive person experiences guilt very differently than an abusive person. A non-abusive person feels guilty about how they have impacted the life of the person they harmed (victim-directed guilt). An abuser experiences self-directed guilt. Abusers do not feel guilty or sorry for hurting his victim. He may apologize for his behavior, but an apology is designed so that he will not face consequences or be held accountable. The goal of the guilt stage is to reassure himself that he will not be caught or face consequences.
- Rationalization
The abuser makes excuses and blames the victim for his behavior. Common excuses usually revolve around the abuser being intoxicated or abused as a child. However, alcohol use and being abused as a child does not cause the abuser to be violent. Common victim blaming statements usually focus on the victim’s behavior. For example, “If you had the house cleaned, I wouldn’t have had to hit you,” or, “If you had cooked dinner on time, I wouldn’t have had to hit you.” The goal of this stage is to eliminate responsibility for his behavior.
- Normal
During this stage, the abuser may use different tactics to achieve his goal to regain power over the victim. The abuser may act as though nothing happened - everything is normal. This can be crazy making for victims, as they do not understand how he could pretend nothing happened.
If the victim has visible injuries, she will have to explain how she got them. This is designed to maintain the normalcy of the relationship. The goal of this stage is to keep the victim in the relationship and present the relationship as normal.
Another tactic an abuser may use after he has chosen to be violent is to become the thoughtful, charming, loyal, and kind person with whom the victim fell in love. He may take her out to dinner, buy her flowers and convince her he will change. This can be a huge incentive for the victim to stay or return to the abuser because they believe that this time he really will change.
- Fantasy & Planning
Abuse is planned. In the initial stages, an abuser fantasizes or has a mental picture of the next time he will abuse the victim.
The abuser experiences his power from activating the fantasy. The planning phase details more specifically what the abuser will need to have and to do in order to abuse his partner.
Abusers may spend minutes, hours or days fantasizing about what the victim has done “wrong” and how he is going to make her “pay”. Most often he will fantasize she is having an affair. Most abused women do not have the time, energy, or interest in having an affair. However, it is the most common accusation, because she can never prove she is not having an affair.
- Set-up
This is when the abuser puts his plan into action. He sets up the victim.
